Voters deserve better

Writing a humor column while millions of Americans are voting for our next president has its risks.

Tales of elections past. (Photo by me)

Tales of elections past. (Photo by me)

I can’t really mock either candidate because I’m not sure who is going to lose except us. Also, journalists aren’t supposed to pick sides, though I may have seen a few “I’m a Georgia Voter” stickers around the office.

Which brings up a hopefully interesting point: How many of those peach stickers did taxpayers get billed for? Billions? Who got that printing contract?

I’m not sure when Georgia started rewarding voters with peach stickers, but there’s a really disgusting one from the first Clinton era in my old truck’s ash tray.

As I waited in line to vote this morning I paid attention to the gentleman tasked with dishing them out. He has my favorite kind of job — easy.

The job description probably reads like this:

Job Title: Voter Sticker Manager

Responsibilities:

  • Remain conscious and somewhat alert.
  • Try to smile, but not so much you don’t appear serious.
  • Exchange one yellow electronic ballot card for exactly one peach sticker.
  • Don’t “high five” anyone, especially if they’re wearing a Hillary or Trump shirt or a clown wig.
  • Never laugh, even if you see someone wasting their rights on a third-party candidate.

The fellow at my polling place really nails it, but it seems like a volunteer job we could eliminate. The voting machines could simply keep the ballot cards and not laugh at our jokes. It’s only fair. I didn’t laugh at the voting machine’s jokes and the ballot was chock full of them.

But Americans demand a reward for doing their civic duty. We like to wear the peach stickers on our shirts to non-verbally announce we are active participants in democracy and remind those who aren’t wearing one that we are better Americans than they could ever hope to be.

And, if you voted this time around, you deserve a reward.

Since the voting line was long, I had time to envision better walking-out-the-door prizes.

  • Coffee and warm doughnut: Mmmmmmmm.
  • Nose clip: You get this reward before you vote.
  • Get out of jail free card: One every four years better be enough.
  • Reverse property tax coupon: The county and school system pays you to stay.
  • Passport: For those still wishing to relocate.
  • Lifetime Atlanta Streetcar pass: Good for maybe another year.
  • Emergency Lane driver’s license: That empty, extra lane just got a little more useful during rush hour.

OK, those are all more expensive than a sticker. And, I have to admit I actually like wearing mine. It makes me feel like I’ve done my tiny part.

But maybe they should make the stickers bigger so we can slap them over the mouths of those who won’t shut up about politics after the election is over.

I’m going to size up a prototype with a piece of duct tape right now.


View Comments 0