Interstates in Atlanta may be cursed

As anyone with any sense or knowledge of the black arts will tell you, Atlanta’s interstates are cursed.

First, a DOT surplus materials bonfire got out of control and the resulting hellfire burned down a section of I-85 near downtown Atlanta.

Monday, a section of I-20 “buckled” when a coven of witches got their cauldron too close to a damaged gas line.

April 17, 2017, Atlanta, Georgia – Crews assess damage to I-20 in the west bound lanes in Atlanta, Georgia (HENRY TAYLOR /AJC.COM)

In reality, DeKalb police say contractors trying to pour concrete into a gas pipe under the highway caused a rupture that cracked I-20s pavement like the Kool-Aid Man was late delivering sugary drinks to East Atlanta.

So many Atlanta interstates has suffered trauma I-75 is seeing a therapist.

Fortunately, I-20 was back in action Tuesday morning. Interstate 85 will be restored to its former jam-packed glory in mid-June.

Chances are, the recent traffic carnage is pure coincidence.

Or maybe not? My liberal friends are blaming the Russians. My conservative friends says it’s the homeless. A moderate friend wants a census of urban campers from Russia living under Atlanta bridges.

With roads dropping faster than Clinton Foundation donations we need to come up new ideas to alleviate traffic on our overburdened highways.

As usual, the federal government has a perfectly workable solution: Let “highly automated commercial vehicles” hit the road.

On Monday, a state holiday known as Confederate Memorial Day before people noticed, there’s a “public listening session” on letting companies employ something akin to the Terminator to drive tankers of nuclear waste through town.

That shouldn’t make you nervous. Robots are better at humans than everything. Why just the other day I got several calls from the same political campaign. A human would have given up after my first verbal outburst but that robot kept hitting redial.

Many employers appreciate tireless workers who don’t complain. Would a company that only hires machines need Human Resources?

Statistics indicate autonomous vehicles are involved in fewer wrecks, but humans drive more safely than I thought. Google, which operates a fleet of self-driving cars, says humans are involved in 4.2 crashes per million miles versus 3.2 crashes per million miles for its autonomous vehicles.

Still, when a truck stopped traffic on I-75 by spilling thousands of Atlanta Braves foam tomahawks, a human was at fault.

If people could stop shoving cellphones, breakfast burritos and hot coffee at their faces while behind the wheel they’d crash even less.

The unavoidable future of autonomous vehicles will drive up unemployment.

Truckers, taxi and delivery drivers will be looking for work. Your next mailman might be a drone.

Pecan log sales will plummet as truck stops close everywhere.

Abandoned Waffle Houses will adorn the South like magnolia blossoms.

And if Atlantans can nap in their driverless cars while enduring the latest traffic curse, we’re going to like it.


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